I am not much of a planner if I am totally honest. So there wasn’t really much of a game plan with my husband and I about whether we would have kids instead it just sort of happened. Well I mean I know how you go about having kids, but what I mean is we were very lucky in that we only had to “try” a little and I was pregnant.
Like with many first pregnancies it is very much a case of living in the here and now. The utter consuming joy, happiness, excitement, a dash of anxiety and everything that goes with becoming first time parents. It’s the unknown for you as a couple even though millions and zillions of people have done it before you.
So I found with us, and most my friends, you are really only thinking of that one little person growing inside of you. Planning for them, their arrival and their needs and focusing 120 percent on just them. I don’t recall any conversations about how many kids I would like in ‘total’, while I was pregnant with Joan. All the chats were just about her, my “current” baby.
It was only when she did finally arrive and the very scary circumstances around her birth and the days that followed that I started to become consumed with fear about the “next” child. I developed pre-eclampsia and suffered an abruption while I was in for a routine check up. It doesn’t bear thinking about what would have happened to Joan or myself if I had been anywhere else that day.
After she arrived I was in high dependency for 3 days and in the hospital for a total of 9 days being discharged with a healthy amount of drugs to be taken daily. So it wasn’t unfortunately for me a great and happy experience. They were some of the worst days of my life and certainly the most terrifying.
What happened to me while I was in the Rotunda was I kept worrying about having to go through all again in order to have another child. One midwife said “why are you worrying about this now?” And another, really kind midwife, sat me down one day and said “don’t worry and think about this now. One day you will be in the playground with Joan and see her running around and you will get the strength to want another one and I will see you here in two years time.”
Fast forward 6 years and the day that lovely midwife predicted hasn’t happen. What has happened is 6 years of repetitive thoughts in a cycle of thinking “I can do it again” to shuttering fear from the memories of what I went through.
Also what has happened throughout Joan’s life is a million conversations about how many children do I have with either myself or the other person saying the word ‘just.’
From them; “Do you JUST have the one?”
Or myself; “I JUST have one.”
And this has made me slowly grow to dislike the word just!
This is because of a few things. It seems like it JUST isn’t good enough to have just one child. Or the family JUST isn’t complete with just one child. Or by only having JUST one child has lead me to tell my story, which brings up so many bad feelings, over and over again. I completely appreciated that largely I am generating these thoughts about this word myself.
At no stage when we are at birthday parties watching siblings play with siblings or the hundreds of playdates I have been on with my one child has anyone said “you know what I JUST don’t think it is good enough you only have one kid.”
Over the years I have however met so many people with one child and although I don’t say it very often, it does bring me comfort. The majority of my close friends and a lot of my cousins have one child and I have never judged them, so why am I feeling badly about having JUST one child?
I suppose it boils down to two main reasons. One is siblings are for the most part good to have, that simple. The bond between brothers and sisters is one you can’t replicate with other people, in most cases. This leads on to the continual feeling that Joan is missing out on something crucial by not having a sibling. She does talk about it and is naturally drawn to younger kids. The creche she attended told me she always liked helping in the baby room and was so gentle with everyone. I have seen it in action many times myself, how she engages with younger kids, encourages them, rubs their little backs and so sweet with them.
The second reason is throughout most of our life times we have been told about this idea of a ‘nuclear’ family. It is two parents and two kids, usually a boy and a girl. When you have this you have achieved the optimum life! But thankfully the idea and perception of what constitutes a family has changed dramatically.
So I know I need to for myself and for Joan embrace the word JUST. I have just Joan, she is my world, she is just the most incredible child and I am just the luckiest person. My husband and I and Joan are a family and a great little one at that.
Recently Joan said out of the blue:
“Mom you know the triangle is the strongest shape in the world! Like you me and daddy we form a triangle”
And I think she has JUST hit the nail on the head.
Listen to Alison Curtis on Weekend Breakfast, Saturdays from 8am and Sundays from 7am only on Today FM.
