Our resident agony aunt, Niamh Fitzpatrick was live in studio this morning to address two emails which came into problem@todayfm.com.
Dear Anton and Niamh,
My husband has been sexting/ texting a work colleague. She's 32 he's 44. He and I have been together for over 25 years and we have 3 children. He has gone on work trips with her but insists that nothing other than slutty chat has gone on. We have a great marriage and very active sex life and I thought that we were very happy. Now I don't know what to believe. I know that my problem pales in comparison to other emailers, but I'm at a loss as to what to do. Should I forgive him? He swore nothing was going on when I asked him and it was just by chance that I found email conversations between them, getting close, she slagging him about erections and his nipples showing through his shirt. He sees this woman (who is also married) in work once a week as she works in a different office. I need advice. Is he destined to become a serial cheater?
The deafening roar from listeners will be yelling at you to leave him. However, if you were of that mindset now you would not be emailing us. So we need to help you to clarify your thinking and feeling on this and that will help you to know what feels right for you to do from here.
First, I am going to respond to your questions with questions. Tease out your thoughts and feelings on the following:
- Is it ok with you if ‘nothing other than slutty chat’ went on?
- Does this qualify as cheating in your mind?
- What do you think about his choice to turn towards another woman rather than to address whatever issues he had?
- What do you think about him lying & emails exposing the truth?
- Is it possible for a relationship to come back from cheating?
- Do you want to forgive him? What does forgive mean to you?
- Suppose you forgave him and he did it again? What then?
- Does it matter if he is a serial cheater or if it is ‘just’ this situation?
- If you knew that he was a prolific cheater what would you do?
- If you could repair the marriage & have him fully present in it would you want to?
Give these questions some serious consideration and this will help you to begin to clarify your feelings. Then make an appointment with a qualified relationship therapist in your area for a one to one session to bring things on farther. It is understandable that you do not know what to do – 25 years, three children, and a marriage that was happy from your perspective is a lot. But these questions will start the journey and the one to one relationship therapy will move it along until actually you know what feels right for you. Take your time with this, there is no clock, so work to your own timeline and not his or anyone else’s. Margaret Dunne is an excellent relationship therapist.
Hi Anton and Niamh. Myself and my girlfriend have been going out almost two years. We are a happy couple with a very cool lifestyle. I love spending every minute with her. We often go out and travel to different places but each day I am without her my mind runs riot. My girlfriend has had somewhat of an adventurous past. I suffer with a thing called retroactive jealousy, I often think of my girlfriend and past experiences with other guys and it really gets me worked up. I've researched everything, read quite a few books on this and I still don't know what to do, any help would be much appreciated.
The first thing to do is to recognise the factors involved:
- Is actually nothing to do with your girlfriend or her past
- Is not helped by reassurance
- Is related to you having low self-esteem
- Involves high levels of anxiety
- Features obsessive compulsive thoughts
- Is debilitating and causes high level stress
- Involves a domino effect – you may have very particular beliefs or thoughts and if experienced when you are tense these are quite difficult to control, so they can spiral, which increases tension…
So whilst research and reading were a great starting point, you can see why this needs more to help you through it. So the second piece of advice is to find a qualified CBT therapist in your area. Go to CBT Ireland's website to find a therapist (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Ireland). A CBT therapist will assess and then help you understand what is going on and working collaboratively you will begin to adopt mental and behavioural strategies to move you on past this.
Talk to your girlfriend and tell her that you are getting professional help with this and that you want to work through it. It is highly unlikely that you have felt like this and been unable to hide it. You do not want this to come between you so keep her in the loop regarding attending for CBT.
