Our resident agony aunt Niamh Fitzpatrick was back this morning to give advice to a listener worried about their grandmother, who is depressed but won’t accept help.
Dear Neil and Niamh,
What do you do when someone in your life really needs help but won't accept it? Since my granddad passed away several years ago, my grandmother has become depressed, anxious, reclusive, passively suicidal and reckless with her health. Our family have tried to help her and be there for her but she won't accept help from us or seek professional help.
She now seems to be developing dementia and it has exacerbated everything that I mentioned above. Now she really is more at risk of accidentally hurting herself in her confusion and being unable to look after herself, but she won't let us help her or go see a doctor. She just wants to lie down and die, but dementia doesn't kill you quickly. We don't want to watch her slowly decline in indignity. We're at our wits end and we don't know what to do. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks.
This was Niamh’s advice:
The first thing to say is that this may be the first time that your family has experienced this situation, but there are people who do have experience of this and who can help you manage it. This is very frightening and so distressing for you all, getting the right support and guidance will ease one level of that distress.
In several ways your grandmother’s capacity to take care of herself is compromised right now. In some circumstances there is of course an argument for respecting a person’s wishes about what happens in their own life, but in this instance if she is unable to care for herself you need to step in. This will be difficult but leaving her to her own devices is not a compassionate and humane option.
A good first port of call would be for one of the family to talk to your grandmother’s GP. General Practitioners come across such situations in their practice and they will be a useful source of information in terms of options and what to try first. For example, would they do a house visit and assess your grandmother for themselves? Depression is so debilitating and it colours how we see the world. Added to the start of dementia and she really needs an assessment to identify what precisely is involved.
Your grandmother’s local Public Health Nurse would be another useful place to consider contacting. They work with the elderly in the community and so like the GP they will have come across this situation before and will have experience in handling it so that your grandmother gets the care that she needs. Find them at her local health centre.
Also check out www.understandtogether.ie – a HSE resource that gives information and guidance about dementia. Under the ‘Get Support’ section you will find a ‘Find Service Provider’ option that allows you to access useful resources in your grandmother’s location. You can also phone them on 1800 341 341 to talk to someone about dementia.
If someone is unable to look after their own affairs because of illness or injury, in Irish Law there is a facility for them to be made a Ward of Court, whereby the High Court looks after their welfare and assets. If someone is made a Ward, the court will appoint a committee to oversee the day to day welfare of the person; family members can be on this committee. So, if things got to the point at some stage whereby your grandmother was deemed incapable of looking after herself and her affairs to the degree that the law needed to step in, then this option is there to ensure that she is looked after properly.
Finally, be sure to look after yourselves in all this. The worry and stress of watching your beloved grandmother so clearly distressed over the past few years since your grandfather died is significant. Chronic stress is not good for us so, look after yourselves in terms of balance in your own lives too, it will help you have the capabilities navigate through this time.
For an appointment with Niamh, visit niamhfitzpatrickpsychology.ie or send your agony aunt problems to problem@todayfm.com
