Hi Neil and Niamh,
I'm with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and we're in the process of moving
in together. We're very happy and life is good, except for one issue that
arises all the time. I want to have a baby but he's not sure that it's what he
wants. I have nieces and nephews and he loves them and he's great with
them when we mind them for the weekend. But still he says that he doesn't
know if he wants to be a father himself. What do I do? He's not getting any
more sure about this each time we talk about it and I don't know what's
going to happen when we get to farther down the line. I'm 33 and he is 35.
Please help.
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Advice:
1. Whilst most people think of having a baby, actually you are having a
person. It is about raising another human being, initially for 18 years but
really having responsibility and input until the day that you take your
own last breath. So, some people want to be parents and that’s ok. For
others this is not for them and that’s ok too. What you need to do is
figure out if your boyfriend is one of these people or if in fact he would
like to be a parent but has some reservations that are surmountable but
he just isn’t sure how to do that.
2. He has been clear in saying straight out that he’s not sure, so he is not
hiding anything, but you need to establish if this is something that you
two can resolve or not. So, go to him and say something like this:
“We’re about to move in together and to start the next chapter of our
lives and it would be good to revisit the topic of having a baby. We need
to be on the same page with this as there is no in-between. So, can you
let me know when would be a good time for us to have a talk about it in
more depth than we have done before. This is not a confrontation, but a
conversation, we just need to see where we’re both at on this”.
3. What you want to find out when you talk is how he feels about it on a
practical and on an emotional level:
ï‚· Does he actually have some interest in having a baby or is he just
talking about it because he knows that you want a baby?
ï‚· What does he like/love the idea of re having a baby/being a
parent?
ï‚· What part is he unsure of?
 Is he worried about being a good father?
 Is he concerned about the financial demands?
 Do the practical challenges re work /childcare worry
him?
 Does he have any worries about your relationship?
 What was his own experience of being parented like?
 Does he perceive his parents were happy in that
role?
 Has he a good relationship with his own parents?
ï‚· What (if anything) would make him more comfortable about being
a father?
Talk to him, listen to him, really tune in and hear what he has to say and
it will tell you whether this is a man who actually just doesn’t want to
have children or if he does but sees obstacles that he cannot move out
of the way. If it is the second, then you can work together to see how he
can be more comfortable with having a baby.
4. If during this conversation you discover that actually your boyfriend
really doesn’t want to have children of his own, then you need to sit and
think about a few things yourself.
ï‚· If in years to come you have your boyfriend but the window has
passed for you to have children, how would you feel?
ï‚· Would the relationship be enough for you or would you resent
having passed on your own dreams to be a mother in order to be
with this man?
ï‚· Can you see a life without children?
ï‚· Can you see a life without your boyfriend?
ï‚· Can you imagine ending this relationship, meeting someone else
and having children with them?
Give these questions some consideration and see what emerges for you,
your own true feelings will tend to come through. What is important is
that you don’t ignore this issue because it won’t resolve on its own, it is
likely to need input. Without resolution and agreement, the scenarios
are not desirable and resentment may abound on either side.
5. If you need a bit of guidance on this then consult with a relationship
therapist. www.psychologicalsociety.ie or www.iacp.ie to source.
Margaret Dunne (www.sextherapydublin.com) or Allison Keating
(www.bwell.ie) are both excellent.
__________________________________________
ï‚· For an individual appointment with Niamh:
niamhfitzpatrickpsychology.ie
ï‚· To engage Niamh as a speaker for your event or company:
outlaw.ie
ï‚· Send Agony Aunt problems to:
problem@todayfm.com
