This week our resident agony aunt Niamh Fitzpatrick had some advice for a listener struggling with depression and exhaustion since having children seven years ago.
Hi Neil and Niamh,
I am feeling very low, overwhelmed and exhausted and probably have been since I had my kids 7 years ago, I think I may have had post-natal depression that went untreated. I am just getting worse and it’s been going on so long I don’t know how to ask for help. I tried to tell my GP twice, the first time he said I was just tired and the second he gave me a prescription for anti-depressants. I didn’t take them and tried to up my exercise which helped a little, though I’m not able to exercise at the moment and that isn’t helping.
I have two great kids, I work full time and I have a partner. I don’t get too much help with the kids/house/anything really. I’m everyone’s shoulder to cry on, everyone calls on me for favours and I feel like I’m invisible as no-one is interested unless they need something. I get annoyed that not one person in my life will ask me how I am, or if I’m ok. I tried counselling once before and I was on cloud nine after the first session, I had found someone who was going to help, she really got me. The second session started with ‘so I thought we covered everything last week, is there anything else?’ - I thought there was something wrong with me that I should have needed a second session.
I don’t know where to start asking for help, I just desperately don’t want to feel like this anymore. I suffer badly with anxiety which is worse during the night and I spend a lot of nights up and willing myself not to just run away and disappear. Please help.
‘Invisible’.
Niamh's Advice:
You are depleted physically, mentally, emotionally. You have tried several times to seek help for how you feel but yet you find yourself stuck in this loop of depression, anxiety, loneliness and resentment, and that just adds to your feelings of despair. This can be resolved and you can feel better and have the kind of life and relationships that you would want.
Think of it this way, when your children were babies / toddlers they didn’t just get up one day and walk and talk right away, it took time and many apparently failed attempts until they mastered walking and talking. Life can be the same and you made some excellent attempts to source help to feel better and they didn’t work out, but there are learnings in those attempts so they are not wasted.
First, a combination of talk therapy and medication together can be very effective for a lot of people when it comes to moving through depression. Dr. Harry Barry (Flagging Depression: A Practical Guide) observes that anti-depressant medication can often “help someone to feel better so that they can get better” (e.g. via talk therapy). To be fair to them, your GP did hear you the last time you went to them, but the idea of anti-depressant tablets didn’t feel like a fit for you at that time. Anti-depressants are not needed all the time and nor are they right for everyone. But we need to get you back in front of a GP to have an updated conversation about where you are now and to hear more about medication and its possible role in getting you feeling better, so that you can get better. If you go back to your own GP, then say something like this:
“I am feeling low, over-whelmed and exhausted, I am really struggling right now and I need help. You prescribed me anti-depressants last time but I just wasn’t sure about taking them. I tried the exercise route to improve my mood but that is no longer an option. Can you help me understand a bit more about anti-depressants and see if they might be useful for me now?”
Perhaps ask when booking if you could have a double slot if you feel that the usual amount of time is insufficient to be able to talk about this properly and see if they could accommodate.
If need recommendations are in Dublin then some who are excellent:
- Dr. Eleanor Galvin (Rosemount Family Doctors, Rathfarnham, 01 4946369).
- Dr. Susan Jordan (Hastings Surgery, Sandyford, 01 2956744).
- Dr. Rachel Mackey (Women’s Health Clinic, Dun Laoghaire, 01 2300556).
Secondly, in tandem with this, ask the GP or source yourself a psychologist or CBT therapist to work with so that you can develop the skills that will help you to get better. They will work though the feelings of depression and anxiety with you & help develop skills. I am talking about things like:
- Understanding the emotions you’ve felt since becoming a mother
- Realising how depression and anxiety can distort perceptions (e.g. previous counselling sessions & GP experience)
- Knowing what you need in order to be physically & emotionally well
- Asking for what you need (at home etc)
- Setting boundaries (being unavailable for favours)
- Getting the balance in relationships (both give & take)
- Stopping behaviours that are keeping you stuck in this cycle
- Self care (time & space for you as a person in your own right)
- Identifying triggers back to anxiety/depression
- Putting a comprehensive health plan in place for yourself
Check out www.psychologicalsociety.ie to find a psychologist or www.cbti.ie to find a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist in your area. Phone to talk to them before making an appointment to check that they have experience in dealing with these matters. Even in that brief chat it will help you have a sense of whether it feels like a fit.
Next, have you any opportunities to have some time off work? Just to recharge, to allow you a bit of space to get back on your feet. My feeling is that the GP might even suggest signing you off for a short while, if they do then take that opportunity. Trying to get yourself better whilst continuing to deliver on all fronts is like trying to catch a ball when your hands are full, something is going to drop.
Then, you say that you don’t get much help with the kids/ house etc, this needs a conversation with your partner to address it so that things are more balanced in this regard. Talk to them and say something like this:
“In ways this will be like me changing the rules in the middle of the game as I have probably gone about life without saying much, so you may think that I am ok with how things are in the house. But I am struggling, really wrestling with life right now. My mood is low, I feel over-whelmed and exhausted. I need some help. I am going to see the doctor and also to a therapist and they will help me find my feet again. But I also need things to change in the house as I can’t continue doing the lion’s share, something is going to give very soon. I am saying this in observation, not in judgement, we’ve gotten ourselves into this pattern and routine but it needs to change urgently or we will have a real problem on our hands. So, can we pick a time to talk about what we can do to take some of the load off me as currently it is bringing me under.”
During that conversation, as well as your partner contributing more, consider practical things such as having your food shop done online and perhaps even having someone in to clean your house, these will all take some time back for you.
You tell us that you are “everyone’s shoulder to cry on” and that “not one person” in your life will ask how you are doing. Sometimes when you are that person that everyone goes to, people can forget that you have feelings too. But you can put them right on that. Consider who in your circle of family or friends is the person who has shown that they would be most likely to hear what you are saying. Tell them that actually you need a bit of support now, that you are not asking them to ‘fix’ you but just to be aware that you are going through a hard time at the moment. See what they do with this. If they get it and support you then great, if they continue to ask of you, then push back and say no.
Remember that sometimes saying yes to someone else means that we say no to ourselves. If you resist saying no to others then ask yourself some questions that might make you reconsider your position:
- What is the price that I’m paying for being liked?
- Why am I ok with depleting my children’s mother?
- What do I think will actually happen if I ask for support rather than always give it?
- What am I teaching my children if they see their mother not value herself?
Finally, know that you deserve a better life than to be feeling low, over-whelmed and exhausted. You asked for help so you know this yourself deep down. But know now that you are absolutely right to seek a better balance in life for yourself than this. So, tell yourself that whilst the path may not have been smooth, the destination will be worth it. With the right medical and professional support combination, back-up in your personal life, some practical changes, and a new skillset, you can reclaim your life.
For an appointment with Niamh go to niamhfitzpatrickpsychology.ie or email your problem to problem@todayfm.com. To engage Niamh as a speaker for your company, visit outlaw.ie
