"I Feel Like I'm Often Anxious And Not Enjoying Life"

Our resident agony aunt Niamh Fitzpatrick was in studio this morning to offer her advice for a listener struggling with anxiety.

"Hi Neil and Niamh,

I have a problem and don't know where to start so I hope you can help me. I'm 41, married to a lovely man and we have two gorgeous children. I work full time and I'm doing well in my career. I have a couple of good friends who I’m in touch with weekly and see regularly. My parents are well and healthy, as are my siblings and their families. I have a very hectic life with little time for myself but it's a good life and I'm genuinely happy with my husband and with my little family.

My problem is that I feel like I'm often anxious, like I'm worrying and not enjoying life. I get anxious about the kids, doubting myself as a parent and wondering if I'm doing a good enough job. At work I second guess myself sometimes, I just have that niggle that I'm not as good as some of my colleagues. I'm always running ahead in my mind and it's getting to be exhausting. My mother is a bit of a worrier and I wonder if I got it from her, I don't want to pass this on to my own children (4 and 2).

I see my husband looking like he's enjoying life, he never seems phased by things that come up and I don't want to go through another year being anxious, I really want to be able to enjoy life like he does. I hear a lot of talk about anxiety and I know it's common but I just don't know how to go about changing it. I function well and so don't feel like I need to see my GP or anything and seeing a counsellor seems a bit drastic, I don't feel like I'm that bad, it's not like I get panic attacks or anything.

So where do I start? I'm not into New Year's Resolutions but I would like to get this sorted this year. Any help on where to start would be appreciated."

These were Niamh's tips:

First, to move towards feeling more comfortable in life you need to understand a bit about anxiety.

• Anxiety is an emotional state, characterised by worry and tension, accompanied by physical changes such as increased heart rate and breathing rate.
• There is a psychological and a physical component to anxiety.
• Anxiety can be thought of on a spectrum, with a useful anxiety response to a threat at one end, to disorders such as Panic Attacks, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder at the other.
• Anxiety as an emotional state is therefore a healthy, useful response to threat, it is a system that warns us of danger and is vital for survival.
• Anxiety is about a perception of threat, as opposed to fear which is a response to an actual threat. Anxiety is about the future and about what might happen.

A key word when it comes to anxiety is ‘perception’ – how we interpret things. When it comes to anxiety we tend to:

• Overestimate the likelihood of something bad happening
• Overestimate the awfulness of it if it did
• Underestimate our ability to cope

So, there’s an imbalance in our perception of the demands of the situation and our ability to cope. This is key when you want to be able to respond with an emotion other than anxiety when it comes to your children and to work – we need to check in with your thinking around the situations trigger the anxiety reaction.

So next time you begin to feel anxious, I want you to do the following exercise. This can be done very quickly and it trains you to begin to think more usefully in situations where you would have felt anxious is:

1. Rate anxiety level on a scale of 0-100
2. Identify what it is you are anxious will happen
3. Rate the likelihood of that happening, on a scale of 0-100
4. Rate the awfulness if it did happen, on a scale of 0-100
5. Identify what action you could take to influence things
6. Re-rate anxiety on a scale of 0-100

This trains you to step back from the situation and look at it objectively to ensure that your thinking and therefore your interpretation of the situation, is useful, realistic and accurate. Thinking like this habitually will enable you to accurately assess your capabilities and when you do you will realise that actually you are doing a good job.

You have a happy marriage, two healthy happy children, good relationships with your parents, siblings and friends. You are doing well at work. You got this! But I need you to look without filters and see this, rather than repeat a habit that your mother may have taught you by her anxiousness – which is to assume that danger lurks around every corner and that you don’t have the capabilities to handle it. Both are inaccurate and not useful. 

Another useful exercise when you feel anxious that you are not good enough is to ask yourself a few key questions:

• Can I be sure that this thought is 100% true? (rarely 100% true)
• What are the flaws in my reasoning? (assuming others are better)
• What evidence exists against this thought? (past successes)
• What would be a more useful way to think about this? (balanced)

This will interrupt that pattern of thinking that is driving the feelings of anxiety and worry and it will give you that few seconds of objectivity to allow you to make a better choice in terms of how you are thinking.

Next, consider starting a daily mindfulness exercise, something to train you to be present more, because you spend a lot of your time in the future. You could choose from a breathing exercise or you could take a daily task and stay present when you do it, gently bringing your mind back to the task when it wanders (as it will do).

Also, tell your husband how you feel, not for him to ‘fix’ you but just to share the feelings as it can be quite lonely to feel as you currently do.

Finally, you could have a read of a book called Flagging Anxiety and Panic, How to Reshape your Anxious Mind and Brain, by Dr Harry Barry as it gives useful information and advice to add to what we have mentioned here.

For an appointment with Niamh, check her website or if there's something you'd like her to address on air, email problem@todayfm.com