This week, our resident agony aunt Niamh Fitzpatrick joined us to give some advice to a listener on dealing with loneliness and confusion about her sexuality.
Hi Neil and Niamh,
In short, I'm very lonely and life confused. I'm in my mid-30s, have a good job, nice house, nice family and good friends. All sounds good. But I'm single. I know having a partner is not the be-all and I don't believe that I need a partner as such. But it's more the fact of everyone I know having someone, yet I find I'm drifting from one day to the next, not doing anything as I don't have anyone to do things with. I know I should go and do things by myself but I don't have any want to do on my own - I feel left out. I know it sounds really pathetic, but I'm so lonely. I have a real issue with trusting people so I tend not to be able to talk to friends about real things, more just day to day things. Even that is hard to do as all my friends have children and are married, so they have their own lives and I completely understand that and am so happy for them. I don't think they even know the real me, but I'm not sure I do either.
I have had relationships with men over the years but they never lasted. I just wasn't into it. More recently I began to question my sexuality and I often think about being in a relationship with a woman, which does appeal to me more. I recently was out with friends, one of them is gay and we ended up in a gay bar. A woman tried to talk to me but I got awkward and just laughed. My gay friend asked if I was interested in women. She said ‘I always had a feeling…..’. Again, I just laughed at her and started dancing. The woman who was trying to chat to me made eye contact several times but I looked the other way. We left shortly after that and my friend asked me if I liked women and said that we should have a chat. I said, “Ha ha, no chatting allowed!” She knew at that stage not to ask again.
I just am at a loss, I completely I wish I had that night back. I would have loved to have chatted to the woman in the pub, I actually really liked her! I would love to chat to my friend about it but I just can't. I don't know what I think anymore. I think my family (especially my parents, both in their 70s and pretty old fashioned) would think it would be strange and I don't think I actually could openly talk about it either way. I'm hoping you might be able to advise me please. I'm lonely, confused and drifting along through life having regrets.
This was Niamh's advice:
1. Firstly, it is not pathetic at all to say that you are feeling lonely. It is honest, real and brave. It is also the first step to feeling something different. By naming how you feel, the loneliness has served as a signal that something in your life needs to change. It is also SO common and you most definitely are not alone in feeling this way.
2. Loneliness is about meaningful, mutual connection. You don’t need to be alone to be lonely, many people in relationships feel lonely because they have lost that connection as a couple. You can also be single and not feel lonely. Loneliness is about social isolation, about feeling starved of mutual connection, feeling that you don’t belong in any meaningful way. It affects people of all ages and situations.
3. Chronic loneliness is not good for our physical or mental health. It sets off the stress response and the body goes into fight/flight/freeze mode. Over time long-term production of the stress hormones can impact health and contribute to medical conditions such as heart disease and depression. So, you are right to address this now.
4. In your case in relation to the loneliness I feel that there are two paths that need exploring – your confusion over your sexuality is the obvious one, but also the fact that you have a real issue trusting people. Both of these will contribute to that feeling of isolation and lack of connection.
5. Looking first at your sexuality I have several suggestions:
- Consider whether you are indeed confused or if in fact you are simply frightened and unsure what to do with the feelings that you know you have - “I actually really liked her” sounds pretty sure to me.
- Check out www.lgbt.ie – “Supporting, Educating and Connecting”. 7 days a week. Call 1890 929 539. Or you can instant message. Or look through the information on the website. They talk about coming out as being in stages – discovery, acceptance, integration. You can take your time with this, no need to rush, explore at your own pace, this resource can be a great help.
- Send a text to your friend and say something like this: “I am not ready now to talk to you, but one day I might be, so don’t close the door on that option.” This is a safe, do-it-at-your-pace way to let her know that telling her that there was no chatting allowed was a semi-colon rather than a full stop.
6. Regarding you having a real issue at trusting people, in time consider seeing a relationship therapist to explore what that is about, where it came from, what you can do in order to be more comfortable with people. Trusting others is first and foremost about trusting yourself, trusting your own instincts and experience to guide you about who is someone good to have in your life and who may not be. For relationship therapists check out Margaret Dunne (www.sextherapydublin.com), Allison Keating (www.bwell.ie) or Irish Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (www.iacp.ie).
7. Finally, the great news about all this is that you are doing something about how you feel and taking steps to be able to live your life without regrets. That is wonderful! That night out may have passed and you cannot get it back. But you are alive, you are ready now to explore how you feel, you have taken the first step by asking for advice. There will be plenty more opportunities now for you, so focus on that rather than on what might have been.
For an appointment with Niamh, go to niamhfitzpatrickpsychology.ie or email her at problem@todayfm.com
