Our agony aunt Niamh Fitzpatrick joined us this Sunday to give some advice to a listener dealing with a break-up. Her ex-partner ended the relationship due to trust issues, having been hurt in the past.
Hi Neil and Niamh,
I am a 41-year-old girl who recently broke up from a really good relationship. I had finally met someone 2 years ago who was kind, genuine, honest, trustworthy and was someone with similar values to me. We got on fantastically well, we were so compatible, everyone even said that we were so well suited. He is divorced and has self-esteem issues from his marriage break-up (his ex had been having affairs), but this wasn’t obvious at the start. He became very negative about us and said that we were ‘too good to last’… ‘how could a girl like me be with him’…. etc. The reasons he gave for the break up were pathetic excuses. He was looking for problems, making problems out of small things. He said he didn’t feel we had a future. He was upset. I told him how I felt about him and about the future with him in it.
I am beginning to get really cross with him - he left something really good. I’m an attractive girl with a great job; I’m genuine, honest, caring, kind, and I’d never ever hurt him. I feel he wasted so much of my time and my life. At times I hate him for it and hate him for not moving on with his life either. If he wanted to move on maybe I could have been part of it, but he seems stuck in the past. How could he not appreciate me and all the love, respect, kindness and understanding I gave him these past 2 years? How can anyone walk away from that especially after being through a marriage of being lied to and being treated badly? How can I get over this and how can I date again? I really miss him and I love him so much. We were best friends. I thought he was the one... I just can’t get over this one...
This was Niamh's advice:
What’s Going On:
There is a possibility that after two years together and following a marriage previous to that, he now wants some time to be free to be on his own or to date others and these reasons for the breakup are indeed just excuses.
OR
More likely that he has attributed his ex-wife’s infidelity to him not being good enough and in addition he has generalised from that relationship and formed opinions on all relationships based on this one. In this case his reasons for the break-up would be authentic from his perspective.
What To Do:
Firstly, in life we make attributions all the time. ‘I failed the exam because I am stupid’ or ‘I failed the exam because I didn’t study’. Depending on what we attribute an outcome to, our confidence, motivation and indeed self esteem can be impacted one way or the other. So, it is about making sure that our attributions are accurate, realistic and useful. This applies to both your ex and to you in this situation.
Realise that he may well have appreciated how you were with him, but if he fell into the trap of believing that he had shortcomings that resulted in his ex-wife cheating, then he was not fully receptive to all that.
Sometimes people just don’t believe that they are worth it.
He may well have appreciated it all, but the fear of things not working out again were probably greater than whatever feelings of happiness he had.
So, he walked away from the good things between you because deep down he holds a belief that he is not good enough and that relationships don’t work out. Perhaps he also had ‘evidence’ to support this belief from his own parents’ marriage. So, in your mind don’t throw away those 2 years and jump to the conclusion that he didn’t appreciate them or have real feelings. Don’t make his mistake and think that it was down to you not being good enough.
Secondly, given how you feel, I think that one last conversation with your ex is worth a try. So, say to him something like this:
“I cannot force you to want to be with me, nor would I want to. But on reflection I just want to say one thing. If you believe that you are not good enough, that you don’t deserve a relationship, and that actually relationships don’t work out, then I cannot change those beliefs. But I can tell you that I know for sure that they are not accurate. I can also tell you that it is possible for you to hold different beliefs on this and to feel differently about yourself and about relationships. And if there is even a small part of you that wonders if I am right on this, then consider contacting a relationship therapist or a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapist) for a few sessions to see if there’s anything in what I say.
If you have any interest at all in feeling differently to how you do now, then what have you got to lose except a few hours of your time and a relatively small outlay of money? I will respect your wishes if you decide that this is not worth checking out, but please consider what I have said”.
Thirdly, decide now that you will not make the same mistake that your ex-boyfriend appears to be making. Do not generalise from this and assume that all men are like this or that all relationships are like this. Be accurate with your language and keep this contained – ‘that relationship with that man did not work out’. Also, be accurate in your language overall – “I just can’t get over this one” is not useful. Think more accurately – “I am really hurting because I love him, this may take time”. It acknowledges the pain but does not assume the outcome.
Next, give yourself time and space to recover after the break-up before you consider dating again. Be kind to yourself. Rest. Exercise. Fresh air. Connections with people who you love and who love you back. Fun. Different experiences. Connections. Small challenges that spark your interest. This all allows you time to feel the feelings of sadness and anger but also shows you that there is a whole world out there for you when you are ready.
If you feel that some sessions with a relationship therapist yourself might be helpful then check out the Psychological Society of Ireland (www.psihq.ie) for a Counselling Psychologist or Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (www.iacp.ie) to find a therapist. Given your age there may be concerns there about being a mother on top of the break-up issue, so if you do have any worries about this aspect of things then do seek professional help.
Finally, gather support around you by asking family and friends to just help you through this. Feeling supported, we can handle a lot of things, so ask for that from loved ones.
For an appointment with Niamh, go to niamhfitzpatrickpsychology.ie. If you'd like some advice from her on the show, email problem@todayfm.com
