Office Lingo Bullsh*t

This morning I wondered if anyone else saw the red mist descend when they heard the term “reach out” in the office (or indeed in any capacity) and actually, believe it or not – there are even worse, more terrible office phrases out there.

Are you a person who has to bite their tongue in every-day meetings because if you don't, you might lost the plot altogether? Do you have a boss who likes to reach out and box off, going forward? You’re not alone, my friend.

Welcome to Office Lingo Bullshit.

*Reading the below may induce involuntary twitches of agitation, just FYI*

• “Hi Paula, yesterday (yesterday!!) I got an email as follows: Hi Susan, it's nice to e-meet you....I wanted to slap him. I didn't respond. Should mention that he worked for an American social media company. Happy Thursday!Susan heading to the gym. Again.”

• “Paula the phrase Game Changer. It rarely is a game changer and I have to resist the urge to tell them to shut up and stop being so dramatic!”

• “Paula. Run It Up The Flagpole. Rage. (Does that mean just let’s see what you think?)”

• “Walk and talk, don’t sit and send!” - Mickey-Jeo on Snapchat

• “Low hanging fruit meaning do the easier task first!” - Mark Armagh'

• “Our work motto is quality not quantity, which is a load of bull!”

• “Morning Paula, office lingo drives me cracked! Hi All, Going forward kindly reach out to the relevant department for .... *insert horse dung request here*". Really grinds my gears!” - Frankie

• “Paula I'm on LinkedIn. Anybody that messages me about job opportunities and says I'm just reaching out to you automatically gets deleted. Cannot stand the term!” - Ian on way to Dublin

• “A director in my company calls us "players" , example all the major players are in the room, what players should come to the meeting, all the players are involved, he drives us nuts!”

• “Safety quality output - yeah right, more like do it asap!” - Stephen in Leixlip

• “Hi again Paula. In a previous life i worked with this guy and he loved all that lingo. He was always touching base, putting our people onto their people and bringing things to the table. Two of us in particular used to crack up over this. It's a huge pet hate of mine!” - Paul in Cavan

• “Whilst in I.T., a senior manager inserting the word triage into every {I mean EVERY} sentence - "when you site visit, make sure you properly triage the PC". That one STILL gives me the Herbert Lom Twitch!” - Dave, Clondalkin

• “Daily basis - going forward, outside the box, elephant in the room, fish bone analysis, the 5 why's... Who comes up with this BS!” - James in Wexford

• “Paula - let's have a pit-stop! As much as I want to work in a Formula 1 team... I DONT!”

• “KIND REGARDS, PAULA. KIND. BLOODY. REGARDS!”

• “Can you fire me an email? SEND, FFS.” - Stephen Portarlington

• “Hi Paula, David here. Used to work in an office and snap my pen in my hand every time i was told to 'do the needful' . Glad to be out of there! Love the show!!”

• “AMBIGUITY ...OMG, I worked with a man that used this word ALL THE TIME! He used it in every second sentence. Not only that but a girl on our team started using the same word but she actually didn't know what it meant. It was cringe! They were having an affair and eventually both left!” - Colin in Wexford, ps love the show. I listen every morning!

• “Morning Sweet P. Just had to stop running and text you. Drill Down. Blue Sky Thinking. Robust Approach. The only reaching out I’d like to do is my fist to their throat! Off running again!” - Shay

• “Hi Paula, I'd just like to lean in and support here to stress test your task. Let's ensure we take a helicopter view on this and not get stuck in the minutiae and ensure we drill down all scenarios and not forget some blue sky thinking in the art of what's possible... EVERY DAY. IN MY. OFFICE!”

• “Morning Paula, office lingo my old boss told me when I was a supervisor to be a "helicopter supervisor". In other words hover over staff and observe. Only land i.e. deal with them if there was a problem. Did ya ever hear such horseshoe?!” - Jack

• “Hi Paula, I often hear to truly understand this we need to take a deep dive. Argh!” – C

• “Paula, one thing you actually never hear is, "you’re right I was wrong" especially from senior management!”

• Hi Paula - I'm intrigued by your abhorrence towards office lingo. I'm sure with some blue sky thinking we can achieve a happy conclusion to your problem with reaching out. If we can overcome the elephant in the room and pick all low hanging fruit we can happily move forward!” - Gaz in Galway delivering papers in the rain - love the show

• “Good morning Paula. My Ukrainian colleague was a bit worried because my boss had asked her on a number of occasions to give her a buzz.  She thought she was failing to give her the buzz because she thought it was some physical item. She was so relieved when I explained it was a phone call!”

• “Morning, don't you hate those smart managers who say never assume as it makes an ass out of u and me!” - Mike

• “Sounds to me like some of your listeners are in the wrong swimlane. I'm thinking we might need to do a belt and braces review of your listenership. I'm concerned that we could be trying to put lipstick on a pig though!” - Ian

• “Hey Paula, the one I hate is when you're asked to contact someone because you might have had lunch with them once. Stephen, you've broken bread with this guy, could you reach out and make arrangements off-line?! Does my nut in!” – Stephen in Dun Laoghaire

• “Almost forgot this gem... think of it as just another tool in your box ...WTF?! Sounds like something Pat Mustard would say!” - Wexford James

• “My girlfriend's boss used to say hey guys let’s talk about this "off line" and even did the air quotes - it drove her spare!”

• “One of our sales managers (over 20 years in the business) came out with a great one. If it makes sense, then it does. If it doesn't... it doesn't. I was inspired...”

• “Paula I hate “get it over the line” – what line?!” - James via Snapchat

• “Paula it's days like this when I'm glad to be alone in my van all day, where the only blue sky thinking is when I'm parked at roadworks and trying to make a crocodile out of the clouds and the only reaching  out is for a car-park ticket and going forward means stick her in first and drive on!” - Niall in Tipp

• “Morning Paula my wife got a classic in an email lately which asked her to cascade the message down to other staff ha ha such BS! In other words, let the other staff know the craic!” - Ian the trucker. Great show keep it up

• “I work for a US company and it drives me crazy. Terms like you need to socialise that idea and then circle back to me...drives me mad!” - Pete

• “Hi Paula I think we need to circumnavigate this issue - will u flick me that email and remember it's not rocket science, I mean we’re not trying to recreate the wheel! Oh man such BS love the show!” - Ken

• “Networking Paula....!”

• “One manager asked me how many resources I had on my team, meaning people. Sake!”

• “Hi Paula, our office managers favourite is let’s do a root and branch review of the situation and put it on the back burner to dry! A little piece of me dies every time I hear it now!”

• “Paula it's Thursday, so let's knock this day outta the park!”

@sweetpmac Some great "corporate talk" this morning. Think I`ll count how many I hear this week on #annoying sales calls

— Bright Promotions (@brightpromotion) July 27, 2017

"Meeting cancelled.we are restructuring to amalgamate with other staff to streamline meeting numbers". Just got that email this morning. 😂😂😂

— D-Lam (@DanielLamont86) July 27, 2017

Going forward we need to start thinking outside the box to reach our platform, let's schedule a meeting to discuss.

— caroljslevin (@carolslevin) July 27, 2017

"Going Forward" should be banned...hate it😠😠!

— Gavin Woods (@GavinWoods16) July 27, 2017

Lets talk about "sunsetting" the project. No lets talk about closing it down, sunset implies it will come back as a sunrise & well be grumpy

— Ray C (@OCuinneagain) July 27, 2017

I know ye're finished but I couldn't text while I was driving. "Circle back"! As in we'll circle back to that point at a later date.... 😠😠😠

— Aoife (@fafs) July 27, 2017

Looks like we are where we are, but going forward we are going to pick the low hanging fruit from the tree of opportunity.... https://t.co/yBhe7dYvi3

— Thomas Curran (@ThomasCurran11) July 27, 2017

"We need a helicopter view of all the processes". It's an overview mate

— Joe Mitchell™ (@_JoeMitch) July 27, 2017

ASAP from a supervisor that was a total SAP to me 😒

— Starstar⭐️🌠 (@pia3612pio) July 27, 2017

Ping me.

— Robert Murphy (@rameirerob) July 27, 2017

'Another string to our bow' a personal favourite!

— Garry Fitzroy (@garfitzroy) July 27, 2017

Or some of my bosses favs 'That's a whole different animal' 'the gig is'... #LeagueOfHisOwn

— Noelle Dunne (@Noelle_KK) July 27, 2017

Morning Paula...... Lets 'take that off-line' a meeting favourite!!!

— Noelle Dunne (@Noelle_KK) July 27, 2017