Comics from all over the world were in Edinburgh this week; The Edinburgh Fringe Festival is known for its wacky one-liners.
We'll know next week who will win the 2017 Best Joke of the Fringe, but in the meantime, some of the listeners of the Early Breakfast are actually wasted doing their day jobs. THEY should be on the stage, making people laugh at their amazing terrible jokes! Have a look;
“I swapped my bed for a trampoline...my wife hit the feckin’ roof!” - Liam in Limerick
“Paula what you call a 3 legged donkey? A wonkey!” - Mike in Tipp
“Paula, what do you call a 1-legged gingerbread man? Limp biscuit!” - Bernie Limerick
“How many tickles to make octopus laugh? Ten tickles!” - Tristan
“Hey Paula, this is my joke; two sausages in a frying pan. One sausage turns to the other one and says jaysus, ‘tis fierce hot in here! The other sausages turns and says haha, a talking sausage!” - Barry in limerick
“2 fish in a tank, one says to the other who’s driving this thing?!” - Daithi in Cork via Snapchat
“A TD, a thief and a village idiot go into a bar... and he orders a drink!”
“Paula did you hear about the sexy egg? He ran around with his yolk hanging out!” – Smiffysarsfield via Snapchat
'What ya call a kamikaze egg? A Mad Yolk!” - Damien in Louth
“Thank God I'm an Atheist!” - Jason
“Paula, 2 offerings; I went out to buy some camouflage the other day, but I couldn't find any! And; they all laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian, nobody's laughing now!"
“What do you call a Spanish man leaving hospital? Manuel!” – Ciaran McGuinness, Kilkenny
“Paula did you hear about the fire at Tayto park? The place was burnt to a crisp!” - Connor in Drogheda
“Daughter says; we're going to name our baby Seán. Dad says to daughter; why Seán? Sure nearly every Tom,Dick and Harry is named Seán! - Jason
Poo jokes aren't my favourite kind of jokes...but they’re a solid number two! - Will from Portarlington
Two Ducks walking up the street in Belfast. One turns to the other and says Quack Quack and the other one says I can't go any quacker!” - Shay
“Hi Paula, 2 monkeys in a bath, 1 said oh oh aah a - the other said just put some more cold water in then!” - Padraig in Laois
“Hi Paula, here's 2 of my favourite best/worst jokes.....
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam!!!
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk!” - Mervyn, Tuam
“How do you know Will Smith was out in the snow? By the fresh prints...!” - Stephen
“Hi Paula, why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side!” - Liam Waterford.
“What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little horse. Boom, thanks, I'm here all week!” - Eoin
“Hi Paula, what time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Around ten-ish!” - Jace in Naas
"Ok, hope you're ready for this....
- Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead.
- Why did the chicken fall out of the tree? Because he was tied to the monkeys leg that was dead.
- Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree? He thought it was a game.
You're welcome!!!(Favourite joke trilogy ever!) Cheers!" - Susan out walking in Dublin, again!
“Hi Paula, how's things? My worst joke: Did you hear about the man who damaged his heart by drinking milk ? The cow fell on him!” -John Aughney
“I'm sorry and I apologize mean the same thing, except when you're at a funeral!” - Pauric
Good morning Sweet Pea what do you call a donkey with 3 legs that likes country and western music? A honkey tonkey wonky donkey!” – Ross
“How about the man with 2 left feet who went in to the shoe shop looking for a pair of flip flips!” - Wexford james
“Why isn't a koala classified as a bear? It doesn't meet the koala-fications!” - Jack Murphy (kilkenny)
Morning Paula. What did the horse say to the one legged jockey? How ya getting on!” - Declan from monaghan
“Hi Paula - dirty one here from Rosie also out walking. What would you get if you crossed a horse with an onion? A ride that would bring tears to your eyes! I fell down laughing when I heard that. One for the pub over the weekend!!”
“What's a dentist’s favourite time of the day? 2:30!”
“Hi Paula, I won a 500 euro cash prize or a concert from the country’s top Elvis impersonator. All I had to do was call a phone number to claim my prize. When I did, they asked me to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show!”
“Doctor doctor I feel like Tom Jones!Doctor said; that’s not unusual!”
“A chicken got arrested for using foul language!” - Noel
“Hi Paula, here's one for you. Did you hear the founder of Halls Soothers has died? There was no coffin at the funeral!” - Theresa in Waterford
“Did you hear about the carrot that died...there was a big turnip at the funeral!” - Dermot Cavan '
“What do u call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen! What do u call a woman with both legs the same length? Noeleen! Ha ha!”
“Hi Paula, What did 50 cent say to his grandmother when she gave him a knitted sweater as a gift?........ G... unit. Sorry, I'll get my coat!” - Jay
“What is Forrest Gump’s email password. .....1 Forrest 1!”
“Hi Paula, the urge to sing the lion sleeps tonight is always just a whim away a whim away a whim away !”
“Hi Paula. What do you call a big bra stretched across the road? A boobie trap!” - Sean in Dundalk
“Hi Paula did you know Chuck Norris picked an orange off an apple tree and can make the best lemonade you’ve ever tasted!” - Elliot in Offaly
“Met an old lady having trouble at an ATM. She asked me to check her balance...... so I pushed her over!” - Peter
“What’s pink and fluffy? Pink fluff! What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath!”
“What's brown and sticky? A stick!”
“Hi Paula, what do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Doug! What do you call a man without a shovel in his head? Douglas! Boom Boom!” - Fiona in Limerick
“What vegetable makes you cry? Onions? Did you ever get a slap of a turnip?!”
“Hey Paula, a man goes to the doctor and says, doctor doctor I think I'm a jelly baby...and the doctor eats the head off him!” - Pete in Leitrim
“What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? BISON!”
“Hi Sweet Pea. What do you call a man on the forest floor?? Russell. What do you call a man hanging from the ceiling?? Sean DeLeer!”
"Paula, I wouldn’t recommend U2’s new satnavs. The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for! I wouldn't recommend the Bonnie Tyler sat nav either. It just keeps telling me to turn around!” -Rory in Finglas
“Hey Paula. My favourite is; 2 peanuts walk down a street, ones a salted!” - Daniel in Aran
“Did you hear how Dubai got its name? Well years ago, an Arab and a Cork man were walking across the desert. The Arab tells the Cork man that he's thinking of building a city in the middle of the desert. What do you think? he asks. The Cork man replies Do Boi!”
They say you can't watch Scooby Doo in most cities in United Arab Emirates, But in Abu Dhabi they doooooo ! @sweetpmac #worstjokeever
— Patrick kearney (@Palilmax) August 18, 2017
@sweetpmac Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman & Padfy Scotsnman walk into a bar, Barman says 'Is this a joke?' #sobadtheyregood
— Ian D'Arcy (@ipdarcy) August 18, 2017
A Spanish Firefighter had twin boys, he called them Jose and JosB @sweetpmac #cornyjoke
— Patrick kearney (@Palilmax) August 18, 2017
@sweetpmac what do you call a guy with no shin bones?? Toeknee
— James Masterson (@Jimasterson) August 18, 2017
Morning @sweetpmac My milkman threw cheese,butter and cream at me today. I said how dairy!
— Eamonn O'Donnell (@eamonnodonnell) August 18, 2017
@sweetpmac
Hey, Paula.
Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?
The Ultrasound guy.— Nigel McFerran (@mufan1103) August 18, 2017
@sweetpmac
... who's the coolest guy in the hospital when the Ultrasound guy is on holidays?
The Hip Replacement guy.— Nigel McFerran (@mufan1103) August 18, 2017
@sweetpmac what did the peanut say when it sneezed...kashew...Larry in Arabia.
— Lawrence Kilbane (@dooega76) August 18, 2017
@sweetpmac My fave joke was told by my friend Sheila in college in 1995: "There were 6 dwarves in a bed feeling happy. Then Happy got out"!
— ArcticChimpanzee (@ArcticChimpanze) August 18, 2017
