If you are a single woman and looking to find that special someone, you are going to love this. I present to you five foolproof ways to meet someone. 100% success rate. Trust me. This sacred document was created by myself and Ann Gleeson many moons ago and IT WORKS.
- Forget personal grooming. Leave it. Seriously. The only nights you ever get lucky are the nights you have legs like an Amazonian rainforest. So, throw that razor away, ditch the Veet, let yourself go.
- Don't get dressed up. For some bizarre reason, the nights that you dress up like a dog's dinner, no one even looks at you. You know those evenings when you go out for 'one' after work and end up out until all hours? You are still in your work clothes, you haven't a scrap of make up left on and your hair is dragged up? Yes, these are the nights that you are irresistible to potential partners. It ALWAYS happens. You'll see me down the local nightclub in a tracksuit every Saturday night.
- Eat shedloads of garlic/onion/garlic onions. Someone is definitely going to chat you up and you will spend the entire conversation doing that awkward inward burp thing, desperately trying to swallow the smell and maintain what is left of your dignity.
- Hang around at the chippers at 3am. People may not talk in nightclubs anymore but, the chippers is a HOT BED of activity. Chats, messing and flirting everywhere. Forget strawberries and oysters, a tub of curry is the biggest aphrodisiac going.
- Take a vow of celibacy. You need a break from the whole dating scene y'know. Concentrate on 'you' for a while. Look after yourself and....... BAM!! You will be immediately presented with at least four eligible suitors who are exceedingly keen. Now, are you going to break the vow? Of course you are.
