When it comes to weddings, it either rains or it pours. You can go six months without one and suddenly, you're the most popular wedding guest in the world, the invitations come in hard and fast. Everyone loves a good shindig but you know yourself, they can be dangerous. So, we've compiled a few tips for you to print out and stick on the fridge. You. Are. Welcome.
- Have a good solid breakfast. An Irish wedding is like a marathon, you've got to be ready for it. You need to think ahead and you've got to prepare. In times like this, I always look to my spiritual guide ; Jack Charlton. As he said 'The game is about being effective, being aggressive, winning the ball, getting on with the play'. It's going to be a long day. This is not your first wedding, don't get caught out by a rookie mistake. GET A GOOD BREAKFAST INTO YOU. This is so important because, bar a few measly cheese sandwiches, you probably won't eat until 6pm. There will be bubbles, there will be wine, you don't want to be 'that soldier'. Do it like a pro and have a feed.
- Don't bother with the sucky-inny pants. If you are a woman, you know what I'm saying. If you are a man, pass this important message onto your female friends, relatives and partners. These pants will do you no favours. They will compact your stomach so tightly that you feel like projectile vomiting. They will hinder your abilty to sit down, stand up and dance. Even a simple exercise like going to the toilet becomes virtually impossible. They may provide you with some temporary skinniness but the minute you eat dinner, you're going to want to rip those bad boys off. Don't bother your barney.
- The 'speech bets' are always fun but, don't get obnoxious. It's all fun and games until someone is roaring about winning €75 and the wedding party are looking on in disgust.
- Don't go too far on the dinner. Know your limits. Refer to point one. If you arrive at a wedding hungry, by 4pm, you'll wind up muttering about eating the lamb o' Jayjus through the rungs of a chair. When the dinner finally does arrive, you'll set into it like it's an Olympic sport and pretty soon, you'll be bet. If you go too far on dinner, there's no return, you'll end up panned out, in an armchair by the fire with your trousers open, needing a nap. Don't even attempt to eat a dinner with sucky inny pants on.
- Never be the first one on the floor for Rock The Boat. There's no way back. It's easy to get excited when you hear the opening bars of the song. You think 'This'll be great craic' and leg it to the dancefloor. But suddenly, you find yourself sitting on the dusty floor, alone, calling (begging) your friends to join you. It's an awkward position to try to clamber out of, especially when you are in the middle of an empty dancefloor with all eyes on you. It's downright degrading. Approach with caution and always operate a 'safety in numbers' policy.
- Step away from the guitar. Its 3am, you are in the residents bar, and someone whips out a battered guitar. You think 'I'll give it a shot', sure Eddie Vedder has nothing on you. But here's a word of warning; there's a reason why Eddie Vedder is an international superstar and you are not. Your gravelly, husky (bad) voice is not appealing to anyone. Ssssssshhhh.
